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Title: Tales of Knight Samuel and How He Became Minstrel Sammy
Length: Chaptered
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Humor, Adventure
Summary: Knight Samuel just wants to be Minstrel Sammy. Just how difficult could it be to achieve his dream? The author might say quite hard when Knight Samuel has to deal with people like Trusted Companion 1, a time traveling wrestler/actor, and Princess Dwaynita. Join Knight Samuel, his two trusted companions and a crazy cast of characters on his quest to become Minstrel Sammy.

Knight Samuel was a good knight. Some might even call him brilliant, but there was one problem. Knight Samuel did not want to be Knight Samuel; he wanted to be Minstrel Sammy and travel around to various places performing with his two trusted companions, Trusted Companion 1 and Trusted Companion 2 or TC 1 and TC 2 for short. His Great Lord of Lambartshire, Knight Samuel’s father, was adamant that Samuel continue to be a knight. He found that there was no nobler a profession then that of knighthood. Why he would have never met the present Lady of Lambartshire if it were not for being a knight himself. (He overshot the Holy Lands by a few thousand miles; however that is a tale for another time.)

“Father, I have never once wanted to be a knight. If ye need someone to protect the land, Younger Brother would be more than happy to do it. Prithee – please – what say you to that?”

“Thou knowest what I say Son. Ye art – are – the one I trained and the one I spent much gold coin sending to knight school.”

“Aye ye did. Grammarcy – thank you – for the experience for I have used it well in a song or two. Now Younger Brother hath – has – been sneakily training; he knowest his way around a sword just as much as I!”

“Ye art the elder son of a lord – nobility. What would the other nobles say if a mere minstrel who traveled the lands inherited the lordship? Our family, thy own brother, would be looked down upon. Dost – do – ye want that?”

“Younger Brother could inherit everything! It matters not to me.” Knight Samuel just wanted to make music. Why was his dream so hard to fulfill?

“The law states the elder must inherit. Thou knowest that!”

“Dost – do – my wishes matter not Father? I should have a say in the course my life takes.”

“Ye should, but life is fairly so simple.”

“What if I could prove minstreling was my life calling? Would thou be wilting – willing – to listen then? The papers could be changed to say Younger Brother is the elder. The papers art all but a formality anyway.”

“Perchance my son, perchance. Unhappy nobility at Lambartshire would do the fiefdom no go for an unhappy fiefdom brings unhappiness to all who surround it.”

Knight Samuel simply had to go find his trusted companions and tell them of the good news! “TC 1! TC 2! Whither – where – art thou? Show thyselves!” yelled Knight Samuel near the homes of his trusted companions.

“What is all this ruckus? Some of us have babies that art napping.”

Knight Samuel was surprised by the voice he heard and looked around for the source. He found an older lady sticking her head out of a window a handful of feet to his left. “I’m sorry for disrupting your grandchildren’s sleep Grandmother.”

“Gran-gran-grandmother?” the woman said with utmost shock. “I will have you know I am only 24! Just ye wait. I wilt show ye what happens to a person whom calls a woman old.” The next thing Knight Samuel knew, he was being repeatedly hit over the head with a straw broom.

“I am most sorry good Gentle Lady! I meant no disrespect. Pray – please – spare me!” Everyone who passed by looked on sadly at the lord’s son. For folk of the fiefdom knew better than to make the baker’s wife cross. They all had experienced her anger at least once in one form or another, and none of them ever wanted to experience it again. Surely Knight Samuel had learnt his lesson.

“I have! I have! Never again shall I call a woman any name related to age.”

“Well now that is just rude,” replied the baker’s wife as she stopped hitting Knight Samuel with her straw broom, her hands on her hips while giving him the stink eye.

“Wha?” Knight Samuel was very confused. Was that not why he was in his present predicament? What did she mean when she called his statement rude?

“Art thee saying ye wilt not call thy own grandmother, grandmother? She hath – has – lived a long life and proper decorum demands that ye call her by her proper title as her grandson.”

“But I, I…” Knight Samuel was on the verge of crying. “Ye, ye said…” His left eye began to twitch. He knew no good was going to come of it and yet, “Trusted Companions! Whither – where – art thou!”

“I thought I told thee to stop yelling? I don’t care if ye art the lord’s son, ye shall stop yelling at once. Oh goodness.” She threw her hand up in the air. “Now he’s crying. What sort of knight dost – do – we have protecting us?”

This woman is evil, thought Knight Samuel. There was no other reason for her behavior. Did she not remember how he defeated the horrid dragon last week? Where were his trusted companions! Certainly they had heard him calling for them by now.

“My Lord, whatever is the matter?” asked Trusted Companion 2 when he saw the frenzied sight before him.

“She, she… Bwha,” Knight Samuel tried to say while pointing at the woman before him. TC 2 looked where Knight Samuel was pointing. Oh… The baker’s wife… TC 2 slowly backed away.

Trusted Companion 1 knew what had to be done for the sake of his friend. He turned on all his charm, since he knew no less would help the situation, went next to the baker’s wife, and clasped her hands. “Good Gentle Lady, prithee – please – what is the problem hither – here?” he asked soothingly. He flashed his most dazzling smile.

“The Good Knight burst into town screaming for thee and thy friend when I had my children sleeping. Now they shall not finish their naps and be cranky the rest of the day. Have ye ever dealt with cranky children before? Thee answer me that!”

This was going to be a tougher situation then TC 1 thought it was going to be. “Yea, I have many a cousin I have babysat. Dealing with them when they art upset is never easy. I pray to the Lord our Father your children behave for you. They art precious gifts from Him. I am also positive they art as beauteous – beautiful – as thee and handsome as thy husband.”

The baker’s wife smiled. “They art the most beauteous – beautiful – and handsome things I have ever laid mine eyes on, but ye art mistaken when ye say their looks come from me. I am quite plain.”

“Nay, ye art most beauteous – beautiful, the fairest beauty, I have ever seen.”

A large smile bloomed on her face. She waved her left hand and giggled. “Ye dost – do – flatter me so.”

“’Tis a fair description Gentle Lady. Now thy children must be looking for ye.” Trusted Companion 1 put his arms around the baker’s wife’s shoulders and let her back towards her home. “Go back home and send them my love, wilt – will – thee?”

“Anything for thee.” Trusted Companion 1 swore he saw hearts and stars in her eyes.

Trusted Companion 2 was shocked at the skill TC 1 had. A little sweet talking here and the fearsome baker’s wife was under his spell. TC 2 knew it was not magic merely a great skill of his long-time friend lest anyone think his friend was some sort of wizard like that young Merlin fellow they had all hear rumors about.

“I am confounded every time ye use thy skills with the spoken word TC 1. How dost – do – thee do it?”

“It is quite simple my friend: flatter the gentle ladies and boost the egos of the gentles –gentlemen.”

“’Tis not so simple to choose the right words to flatter or boost egos; ye have skill in it that I am most sure. Now how is our lord doing seeing as the baker’s wife hath – has – gone?”

Trusted Companion 1 looked over at the heap on the ground that had become Knight Samuel. “Still crying I’m afraid.”

“And his twitch?”

“Not likely to ease up anytime soon.”

“Our poor lord. It is most sad to see him become absolutely a mess around some ladies.”

“Aye it is Trusted Companion 2. Methinks – I think – he choose the wrong words again. Ye knowest how he sometimes hath – has – a problem with that.”

“I dost – do. Verily – truly – it was the baker’s wife. No one fairs well around her. Dost – do – ye think good Knight Samuel would fare any better with his Princess Dwaynita?”

“From what I hear around the lands about her majesty, they would get along superbly.”

“Oh most splendid! Come on; let us help him up Trusted Companion 1. Methinks – I think – a good pint of strong ale at the ale house is in order for our lord.”


“And so Father says that if I can prove minstreling is my life’s calling, I can be a minstrel!” exclaimed Knight Samuel.

“Most wonderful!” replied Trusted Companion 1.

Trusted Companion 2 was skeptical of what he was hearing. Knight Samuel and the Good Lord had spent years arguing over this issue, and TC 2 was sure there was more to the story. “Is that truly what he said? Why would he change his mind? That does not seem like something thy father would say.”

“Well his exact response was, ‘Perchance my son, perchance,’ but that seems awfully like an aye to me. Does it not?”

“Perchance? My Lord, if I may be so bold,” said TC 2, “perchance is an indirect way parents say no to their children. I would not jump so quickly at thy father’s words.”

“Oh TC 2,” said TC 1, “dost not be such a stick in the mud. Let our lord have his happiness.”

“Dost not get me wrong. I am merely being realistic. I would not want Knight Samuel’s father to be angry at him. I am sure we can come up with a solution to this that would make everyone happy.”

“Trusted Companion 2, there is a reason why ye became one of my trusted companions. Ye can be very level headed, which is a most good thing since it balances out TC 1’s sass and hyper-ness. In the same way, TC 1’s sass and hyper-ness balances out thy level headed-ness.

“Now I had the most wonderful idea on how to prove that minstreling is my life calling. TC 2, ye should like this since it a most level headed idea. We go on a quest to find Princess Dwaynita and have her talk to my father about my skills as a minstrel. I am most sure she will be able to convince him.”

“Why Princess Dwaynita?” asked TC 1.

“Is it not obvious? Firstly, I fight for her. She would be pleased knowing that. Secondly, Her Majesty is the most musically gifted princess I know of. I dost not see why Father would go against the advice of such a prestigious princess.”

This quest was right up Trusted Companion 1’s ally. It would be a most excellent adventure! “Ye know I am up for any adventure my lord wishes me to go on, and this is just the sort of excitement we need in our lives. Who knowest what could happen with Princess Dwaynita.”

TC 2 did not have a good feeling. Quests were long hard things, and Knight Samuel had many duties to take care of. “I am not so sure about the quest. Ye have thy knightly duties.”

“Ah. I have thought about that. My father could believe I am performing them, which there wilt be plenty of along the way, while Younger Brother is at home protecting everything while I am away.”

“That does sound good, but I am still not sure this is the best idea. Her Majesty lives a goodly length away, and thither – there – wilt be many dangers in reaching her.”

“Trusted Companion 2, would it help convince thee if I were to say that I would compose the song TC 1 hath been pestering me about?”

TC 1 and TC 2 could not believe what they were hearing; they were in shock. “Art my ears playing a trick on me TC 1?”

“’Tis no trick. I most surly wilt turn Absalom’s Revenge from the Miller Tale in Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales into a song.”

“Chaucer’s fart joke wilt be turned into a song!” This had to be the most exciting thing TC 1 had ever heard. This was a long way from the songs Knight Samuel usually wrote. It was… TC 1 couldn’t express his emotions, and Knight Samuel was quite pleased at the reaction he was seeing.

“Good Lord Knight Samuel,” said Trusted Companion 2 grinning, “I shall join you on thy quest to become Minstrel Sammy.”

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